Mental Health Week has made me think about my mental health from another angle. I have anxiety which can tip into depression (the place at the end of the track I need to stay away from).
How do I describe it? - like being on a station platform waiting for the train to come in, knowing sometimes it will pass, sometimes I will get on and stay on for some stops down the line. If I feel like I might have to get on the train, I shout for help. At some point someone will come along and pull me off or ideally stop me getting on in the first place. I have reached the point where I can pull myself off if it doesn't go too far down the line. It's taken me a long time to recognise that I need to do that for myself.
Managing in crisis is one thing but far better not to get to crisis in the first place.
Mental Health Week has made me see I need things in place so that I am more able to resist getting on the train without needing to shout for help. In fairness, several people helped me see this.
It's about balance, it's about checking in with myself and others, it's about time alone, it's about knowing that if I stuff up it's ok (my past would indicate that stuffing up wasn't allowed). It's about sleep, it's about eating and drinking properly. It's about goal setting, it's about doing what's right for me, it's about fun stuff, it's about knowing some days I will achieve a lot and some days not much, it's about sorting things out so problems don't grow bigger, it's about spending time with the right people and letting the wrong ones go. It's about helping others, it's about making a difference, it's about working on something with other people, it's about forgiving myself for the past, and forgiving others too, it's about getting to know myself better, it's about being me without worrying about belonging and acceptance. It's about knowing that a relationship on any level is a two way street and if it goes wrong it is not all my fault or responsibility. If people can't accept me how I am, then maybe I don't need them in my life.
My last episode was around 24 hours and I talked a lot to some very kind people who have stuck around. I was on the train, but they helped me get off.
Hopefully next time I will be able to get off without help or hopefully I won't get on at all.
Copyright © 2021 Lily Lawson